Recap:

Last year, nothing productive happened. I effectively wasted my time trying to get rid of a crush who should not have deserved that much attention and occupy my thoughts so much. Love can be a bitch sometimes too.

This year I’m taking less hours and hopefully, everything will go smoothly…except, here we go again, another bitch walks onto the stage: procrastination. I don’t know how many bitches there are in this world, but apparently they all seem to be attracted to me. It’s fine though. It makes me feel…attractive. NOT.

So far, life is pretty nice. I’m getting full marks on all (except the first) my physics labs. I’m pretty sure I aced the organic chemistry test. As to computer science, dude…my friend sleep through that class, and he still scores higher than I do. The one class that I might get a C in…physics…calculus based.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty tech/science/math kind of gal, but I guess physics is just not my thing. I mean, it sounds/ seems interesting, but unfortunately,  I just don’t do well in that class. I get what the professor says, so this next test, I plan on doing mostly problems rather than reading…because apparently physics is not very conceptual…more like problem- solving/ analytical thinking. (DOI. Why didn’t I think of that earlier. I guess that’s why my GPA is below average.)

Anyways. Night. I’m too tired to type some more, but hopefully I’ll be a better blogger this semester.

Ugh. Why do I even care? I doubt this person can ever forgive me, and even if that’s possible, the friends won’t be able to forgive me. And now, my image is basically damaged at my high school. I know it doesn’t matter anymore that I’m in college, but it’s damaged to the point that the person won’t like to be seen in public with me.

So I’m letting go. I’m not going to mention this person to my friends. I’ve officially decided to let go even though I still will have feelings for this person.

Also, I think I’m starting to develop crushes on people now. I think…Sometimes I think that “I think” is just a figment of my imagination…it’s what I want, but don’t have. I don’t know. I stared a lot today, but forgot about it.

Next issue. Recently, I’ve been thinking about being “in love” and “loving.” Some people think these two states of sentiments are the same. They’re not. Being “in love” can occur at first sight. “Loving” is when one actually gets to know someone, so in reality there really is the phrase “love at first sight.” Sorry to cut this explication short. If I have time, maybe I’ll go into detail. For now, I’m over this person. I’m saying this for the millionth time, but I’m OVERRRRRR. =]

So I thought to thinking about Hang…first semester I still had feelings for Hang…I guess you could say they were really strong feelings, but now I don’t really have those feelings (not that I would want to anyways). I don’t know why. I just don’t….I’m guessing it was lust all along…that now the lust is fading away….that is what is stopping me from making any actions now. The whole fading away process has made me rethink this……*sigh* if it were love, then I wouldn’t be hesitating with this action…..nevertheless, I can’t keep confusing hang….I have to set things straight, so I’ll take action anyways….

Dear God,

Therefore, it there’s a God out there, please answer my prayers now. You know which ones. The one I prayed for on the cruise…at a shooting star…and there’s another one I’m wishing for currently. I know that if I rely on you solely, I’ll get nowhere. Even if I do get somewhere, I know there will be a guilt inside of me that tells me I don’t deserve it. So, all I ask you now is to give me the persistance, courage, opportunity to make these wishes come true. Thank you.

Amen.

I can’t completely see how someone would fall in love with me at first sight. Usually the “sight” indicates the face and like I said, my face is decent. I’m not pretty…nor am I ugly….so I’m confused here…but then again if I think about those people I’ve supposedly “falling in love” at first sight, their faces technically were not “attractive” to the friends I told about the crush.

I still don’t get it though. How could anyone fall for someone at first sight? People usually develop crushes on other people based on the face, not the body…and I usually associate the body with lust. I don’t know what I associate the face with, but I’m pretty sure it’s not love.

Then again, as I think about all the fairytales such as The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, etc., the Princes fell in love with the princesses or the other way around at first sight and supposedly the Disney directors are espousing an image of love at first sight that it actually exists. I mean look at The Little Mermaid per se, Ariel looks at the handsome Eric one eye and decides that she wants to become a human. And once she’s a human, she can’t even talk to him so technically he can’t get to know her personality, but there’s still a scene in the movie where Eric is about to kiss Ariel.  And then there’s Sleeping Beauty. How the hell does the Prince have the guts to kiss a girl who is sleeping and consider himself in love? These fairytales simply do not make sense….

Maybe I should just wake up. There’s no such thing as love at first sight…no such thing as destiny or fate for each other…People always say that love will come to you, but I’m starting to not believe that phrase…maybe it was just a coincidence that I met Hang because nothing is happening to bring us together. I’m serious…no matter how much I want it to be, divine intervention is a necessity…So if there is no divine intervention, as of right now, I’m finding it hard to believe in fairytales, love at first sight, or even that love will ever come to me…

Ever since I was young, I’ve always had this talent that no one had or maybe I’m just ignorant. I’ve always thought (and even teachers have compliment me on this) that I was creative. In first grade, when the class was taught how to write happily ever after stories, I worked my creative juices and my first grade teacher loved reading those superficially trite stories beginning with, “once upon a time” and ending with, “and they lived happily ever after, the end.”

But seriously, what’s the point if I could write those short fairy tales in elementary school? I can’t do it now, or maybe I still can do it right now, but I most definitely cannot discipline myself to sit through an entire story, to make one up. The problem with me now is I have no discipline. I’m lazy, and it’s one of the worse degrees of laziness an Asian girl can ever get. I still believe and have strong faith in my ability to write a truly beautiful story, but I just can’t get myself to start it or stop it…I tried a long time ago, but I failed.

Maybe some people think that I’m thinking way too ahead of myself, but the whole mystery of what I’m going to do with my future haunts me everyday. If I didn’t mention this before, I’ll mention it now: my GPA in college is abhorrently horrifying. Horrific I tell you. There is no way I’ll get into medical, pharmacy, law, or even lumberjack school with that GPA. In the beginning, I refused to show my parents for the reason that I thought they would scold me so badly, and I was right. So after looking at my horrible GPA, they told me either to not be a doctor or switch majors because I was really dumb.

I’m sorry parents. I probably really am dumb. You don’t want me as a doctor. This shock really made me think. I thought of my original dreams of being a writer, of being so successful a writer that I could produce and direct my own movie based off the books I created with my head and the stories I created in my mind.

But….even if I have the skill to do all this, if I don’t work hard and do it…I’ll get nowhere. Therefore, this year will be a year of flux, not staticity.

Why?

Because I can. Because I know I’m gifted. Because I know my dear Muses have chosen me for something.

Anyways, so I’ve been calling one of my friends these days about something…H….I know H feels something for me…I can tell…H still feels it…I was so happy when that happened….but now…..i’m not..

First of all, I don’t remember if I mentioned it, but H ripped me apart…ripped my heart apart literally. JUST RIPPED IT APART. I know why. It was because I ripped H in the beginning.

So obviously the 2 feelings I would naturally have would be to feel bad for H and see it in H’s point of view. In other words, be the kind little girl and feel sympathy for H. The second and natural response would be to RIP H back even more….heheheheeee….and I have just the plan for it, so basically I just vacillate between these 2 feelings for H.

BUT.

Yes, there’s a BUT, and it smells fisher than yours.

I still remember my heart beating when we first met. I still remember the thump that would never stop even when you told it to…and after you told it to stop, it would continue thumping…and you knew that if it didn’t stop, then when you talked to the person, your voice would crack, your word would come out stuttered…I still remember that….

I really still remember that. And that’s what prevents me from ripping that person again…Yep, that’s right. My hindrances do not come from morality, nor consequences of revenge from H’s friends or H, nor possibilities of future acquaintances.

My sole hindrance is I REALLY LIKE HANG.

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was browsing someone’s tumblr, and I found out how interesting her alter life really is. My friends always called her ugly, and here she is blogging away about how she is scared she’ll never find a lover and die childless. Now I feel really bad for advocating the fact that she’s ugly with my friends.

Anyways, I really need to get organized sometime soon. I just can’t concentrate most of the times…I don’t know why. I just can’t.

Currently in my life, I am doing research. I also just made a sports team that I tried out, which is nice, but the problem is that my parents don’t approve because this sports team won’t help me get into medical school….therefore, my parents think it would be best if I quit. It requires 11 hours according to the schedule, but sometimes the coaches prolong the practive time to 15 hours per week. How sad…and when I make appointments, I have to be careful of not making them close to each other.

I’m also in this club called Surge. It’s a research group although I don’t particularly find it a very useful club. Of course there is volunteering and events such as that, but almost no club members actually go to the volunteering events. Oh well…this is the only other club I have.

So I’m also in this class called research methods, and this week the coordinators of this class are assigning us the research groups or streams we are to work in. I chose one in which I thought I might have more autonomy in the research rather than just do research from a cookbook.

Recently, I’ve also gone down sixth street and gone clubbing. That was actually pretty fun since I was asked to dance with a couple of guys and was not just left alone. I wonder why the guys asked me to dance…Personally, I don’t think I’m that good- looking.

This weekend I went to the House of Torment with a bunch of friends and although one friend who said would show up did not, I still had fun. I met a whole bunch of new people, which brings me to my next topic.

Friendship. WTF. I have no best friend here. I feel powerless. People who have strong connections with their friends can share secrets and get things done easily, but I can’t. All my good friends are up North, and now they have formed bonds with other people, and I feel like my bond with those friends have loosened a lot more.

Relationships. I have NO ONE. I keep telling people that I don’t have time to be in a relationship, but that’s not true. (Well, only to some extent :/) This weekend a guy friend who all my other high school friends want me to be with came over to visit me at UT. We  basically took a lot of pictures and hung around, but that was all, and I wasn’t interested in him. He’s just not my type because he’s way too serious. He’s boring. I actually don’t mind going out with a boring guy, but a guy who’s serious, in terms of hanging out, is wayyy too much for me to handle. I also currently have no crush, or do I? Am I still obsessed with Hang? God…I don’t know. Only God knows. :/ I sort of want to be in a relationship….*sigh* to have sex….you know the normal hormonal teenage activities?

If I had a crush, then I would have someone to chase. Maybe someone can have a crush on me? I won’t chase the person away again………promise. I’ll be nice even if the person is not my type.

In addition, I really have to get organized. My goal for the end of this week is to get organized, make a schedule, stay concentrated, get the sufficient amount of sleep I need. I really do hope I can do this.

*Sigh* Back to finishing Chemistry and research methods.

Anyways, a little bit about my opinion of college. College, I think, is very tiring. The first two weeks of school, I have been procrastinating, resulting in my realization that I have a lot of genetic reading to catch up on in order to prepare for the test, next week. So I decided to catch up on the reading, but it is so tiring! At the end of each long day of reading, I collapse in bed. Usually, I need only 10 hours of sleep, but these days, I’ve been needing 12+ hours. CRAZY, I know.  Perhaps it’s my diet. Maybe I’m not eating healthily and that’s why I collapse, or maybe not. Therefore, I’m sort of glad I’m not in orchestra anymore, but I do plan on attending one club, and that is Taekwondo, the WTF version. LOL. WTF. Get it? JK.

The first meeting is on Thursday, so I’m pretty much excited. A breather, finally. And my sister calls every week to ask how I’m doing and to tell me to go to house parties. So then I went to one of my friends and asked her to hook me up with one the next time she goes.

Oh yeah, and there’s one guy I met during the beginning of the school year who I have many classes together with and see everyday. He invited me to a couple events, and I hung out with his friends, so I’m not totally socially awkward.

Well, as of right now, I must go finish reading Phaedo in my philosophy class, for I have a test this Thursday, and I have been skipping most of his lectures. Not good. You can’t blame me for not being able to wake up, right? I’m so effing tired, like I said.