Life with a surprising twist

So recently I’ve been very unorganized. I still haven’t even started on my homework. I have philosophy and chemistry to do, and I have 2 tests on Thursday. I think I failed half the math test, part of the reason being that I came in late to the test room.

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was browsing someone’s tumblr, and I found out how interesting her alter life really is. My friends always called her ugly, and here she is blogging away about how she is scared she’ll never find a lover and die childless. Now I feel really bad for advocating the fact that she’s ugly with my friends.

Anyways, I really need to get organized sometime soon. I just can’t concentrate most of the times…I don’t know why. I just can’t.

Principles of Modern Chemistry

These days I’ve been completely slacking. I don’t know what’s with me. I want to be better yet I can’t get myself to work hard in order to achieve it. I can’t discipline myself to sit down and study at certain times, and at other times, my mind is always wandering. Only during those times when I’m most lucky, can I manage to actually concentrate and be very productive, but those times are very rare. Oh help me. What am I to do?

Currently in my life, I am doing research. I also just made a sports team that I tried out, which is nice, but the problem is that my parents don’t approve because this sports team won’t help me get into medical school….therefore, my parents think it would be best if I quit. It requires 11 hours according to the schedule, but sometimes the coaches prolong the practive time to 15 hours per week. How sad…and when I make appointments, I have to be careful of not making them close to each other.

I’m also in this club called Surge. It’s a research group although I don’t particularly find it a very useful club. Of course there is volunteering and events such as that, but almost no club members actually go to the volunteering events. Oh well…this is the only other club I have.

So I’m also in this class called research methods, and this week the coordinators of this class are assigning us the research groups or streams we are to work in. I chose one in which I thought I might have more autonomy in the research rather than just do research from a cookbook.

Recently, I’ve also gone down sixth street and gone clubbing. That was actually pretty fun since I was asked to dance with a couple of guys and was not just left alone. I wonder why the guys asked me to dance…Personally, I don’t think I’m that good- looking.

This weekend I went to the House of Torment with a bunch of friends and although one friend who said would show up did not, I still had fun. I met a whole bunch of new people, which brings me to my next topic.

Friendship. WTF. I have no best friend here. I feel powerless. People who have strong connections with their friends can share secrets and get things done easily, but I can’t. All my good friends are up North, and now they have formed bonds with other people, and I feel like my bond with those friends have loosened a lot more.

Relationships. I have NO ONE. I keep telling people that I don’t have time to be in a relationship, but that’s not true. (Well, only to some extent :/) This weekend a guy friend who all my other high school friends want me to be with came over to visit me at UT. We  basically took a lot of pictures and hung around, but that was all, and I wasn’t interested in him. He’s just not my type because he’s way too serious. He’s boring. I actually don’t mind going out with a boring guy, but a guy who’s serious, in terms of hanging out, is wayyy too much for me to handle. I also currently have no crush, or do I? Am I still obsessed with Hang? God…I don’t know. Only God knows. :/ I sort of want to be in a relationship….*sigh* to have sex….you know the normal hormonal teenage activities?

If I had a crush, then I would have someone to chase. Maybe someone can have a crush on me? I won’t chase the person away again………promise. I’ll be nice even if the person is not my type.

In addition, I really have to get organized. My goal for the end of this week is to get organized, make a schedule, stay concentrated, get the sufficient amount of sleep I need. I really do hope I can do this.

*Sigh* Back to finishing Chemistry and research methods.

 

College is Effing Tiring

So as many of you might know, I’m at college right now. These four years, I actually want to blossom more than I did in high school. As of right now, I’m taking 16 hours, which was originally 13 hours until I decided I wanted to get rid of my art credit, so I think after this semester, I’ll have all my basic required credits for all fields except science and math.

Anyways, a little bit about my opinion of college. College, I think, is very tiring. The first two weeks of school, I have been procrastinating, resulting in my realization that I have a lot of genetic reading to catch up on in order to prepare for the test, next week. So I decided to catch up on the reading, but it is so tiring! At the end of each long day of reading, I collapse in bed. Usually, I need only 10 hours of sleep, but these days, I’ve been needing 12+ hours. CRAZY, I know.  Perhaps it’s my diet. Maybe I’m not eating healthily and that’s why I collapse, or maybe not. Therefore, I’m sort of glad I’m not in orchestra anymore, but I do plan on attending one club, and that is Taekwondo, the WTF version. LOL. WTF. Get it? JK.

The first meeting is on Thursday, so I’m pretty much excited. A breather, finally. And my sister calls every week to ask how I’m doing and to tell me to go to house parties. So then I went to one of my friends and asked her to hook me up with one the next time she goes.

Oh yeah, and there’s one guy I met during the beginning of the school year who I have many classes together with and see everyday. He invited me to a couple events, and I hung out with his friends, so I’m not totally socially awkward.

Well, as of right now, I must go finish reading Phaedo in my philosophy class, for I have a test this Thursday, and I have been skipping most of his lectures. Not good. You can’t blame me for not being able to wake up, right? I’m so effing tired, like I said.

Summer at China Before Sis’s Wedding

Anyways, this shall be where I write my occasional thoughts since I can’t seem to access my blog from China. I can’t access youtube either…odd. Also my bro’s labtop’s spacebar is undependable. So anyways, instead of writing some formal entry, I’ll just write some observations/ideas in a snipet form. So this is what happened so far in China or perhaps before….

-in the airport: fortuitously bumped into one of my dad’s church friends who was also going to china; went on the plane, switching seats with the family’s dad and bumped into Diane Liu’s mother; found out that my parents were friends with Mrs. Liu or more like Mrs. Xu, and they had played cards at her parents’ house; befriended her; chubby 13 year old boy started staring at me (I think he had a crush?); boy tried to get my attention by laughing like a maniac behind me; made certain he was staring at me from Mrs.Liu and the family’s daughter who was sitting next to me; got off the airport, hearing my aunt calling me; saw my aunt- it looked like she was crying; found out why she was crying (because she thought she had missed me) -.-”; bro deleted the blackmail pic of him sleeping. grrr…..it was really lmao funny; he took my huge red luggage because that was more “manly” LOL.

-entertained my aunts while listening to aunt 1 talk about how we second generation children were shorter than them….(well you know, shortness is the dominant gene….-.-”)

-next day, played pool; beat bro LOL; went out with bro’s girl friend except she actually likes him; she said i was pretty except i think she was just trying to suck up…or so I heard from my own mouth….she said it really quickly. She’s actually really really pretty and really good at english…-.-”; went to nantong’s guang chang and i showed off my monkey bar/ skateboarding skills; they were in awe; i told them that american girls can do a lot more than chinese ones; yeah, my bro’s crush was really girly; the two acted like they were my parents and I just a 10 year old girl…-.-” condescending? not really…we went skating. really pretty. when two couples or 2 people skate together, it looks so beautiful …i was watching 2 guys do it. so HOT. wait, not IT. It as in skating…..some guy pushed my bro down in the skating rink, probably because he was jealous that he was holding two girls’ hands; we couldn’t find him again…

-today: returned new sneakers…it was supposed to be black. now it’s grayish….it has mickey mouse stamped on it. got new green flipflops. lady in the shoe store noted that I was especially pretty:
1) some girls are pretty but short
2) some girls are pretty but their features apart are not that pretty
3) some girls are pretty but dark..yeah, the chinese don’t like dark skin. supposedly they wear jeans just to hinder a tan…
my response: I’m NOT pretty. You’re just blind. I’m DECENT.

observations:
-girls in china are uglier; boys are prettier and more feminine. LOL.
-they’re so short
-they don’t use the trashcan
-grandma says shoe in chinese as child and vice versa
-i need to bring a notebook around me
-bro dresses in really tight clothes. i need pics!!
-sis returns tomorrow, which means i’ll seriously be busy shopping for dressess…ugh! i hate wearing dresses. they’re so itchy….supposedly, i think that’s what some guys say about suits?
-my bro likes to say “man” in english except he says it with a chinese accent. he always asks me whether this other guy is more “man” than he.
-oreos cost 3 rmb, not DOLLARS

My Love life being updated

This is what I want to say to my current crush. Let’s just call this person Hang (LOL).

A few blog posts ago, I talked about Love. Now I’m going to continue talking about it. My love life now is in a wreck. Hang liked me in school, and I knew it. At first I ignored all the signs because I wasn’t interested at all because, well, Hang wasn’t that good- looking. I’m sorry Hang, but then for some reason, I saw a lot in Hang. So much. I saw Hang had style, air, ambition, inner strength. So much. I saw how smart Hang was. I really started liking Hang….really.

BUT…I wrote Hang a vicious note. I told Hang that I never liked him that way. I did that because I didn’t want people to know I liked Hang….I didn’t. So I told Hang I didn’t like him…Sue me. >.> Then I left for China and never saw him for 2 months. Every single day I thought about Hang. Every single fucking day. I don’t care if Hang is ugly or not. I really like Hang. I actually truthfully like his appearance. It has this sex appeal even though if someone actually looks at his face, he looks hideous. I can’t really explain it. I like the way Hang acts, the way he talks, the sounds that come out of his mouth. I love the way he walks.

Then there’s this other thing. After I came back, I explained to him that I liked him. That I completely realized that in China. I went to his house, knocked on his door, and told him. I also told him I knew he liked me back. He simply laughed and said he never did…He began to deny everything too….

I messaged him that night and admitted that I liked him. His response was that he didn’t like me and that I should get out of his life. Ouch! That fucking hurt, but I guess it was the same feeling he felt when I told him that I didn’t like him like that before I went to China. So, to reciprocate, I denied what I said. I denied the topic. I said that when I said, “like” I meant some other like as in friendship. That was it.

Now I’m left here to skulk. Maybe he really hates me…for all those denials. I told him about how I didn’t like him in the beginning because he was ugly. So, this is where I tell him what he ignored when I told him up front.

Hang, I like you. I’m sorry for all those denials. You just don’t understand. I really like you though. Really. But since I need to respect your wishes, I’ll get the hell out of your life. I promise. And I’m sorry. Sorry Sorry sorry sorry. You make me feel a certain way when I’m around you. I know you feel it too, but you’re denying it. I will be a big girl and just leave. I’m sorry I ever bothered you. I won’t anymore. Perhaps I’ll even feel the same way for you 2 years later, but I seriously just want to let you know. I LIKE YOU.

Beauty without Love is nothing at all

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We’ve all heard of that saying. This summer in China, and even before, my parents, friends, and I have been discussing about people and their appearances. For some odd reason, there are just some people who we always seem to disagree about. My mom considers this one girl really pretty while I think she’s butt ugly. I don’t know. Explain this to me. Some of my friends say I’m pretty while when I look at the mirror, I see Frankenstein’s monster. Others don’t think I”m pretty at all, and even more others think I’m simply cute. Awww, cute! No, not the way I act. I’ve probably never acted cute….I’m sort of a rock stone character. I’ve acted crazy. You could probably say that during one of my hyper moments, I’ve acted cute.

Then there are some people I think are beautiful in a unique way, but others think they’re ugly. And why is it that my best friend always has crushes on ugly guys? I also think there’s a difference between good- looking and attractive. I think average- looking guys can be facially attractive, and good- looking guys can simply be good- looking and not attractive at all.

Also, why is it that one day you think one guy is so hot, and the next you think he is ugly? I remember one of my first crushes in kindergartern that lasted until I was in fourth grade! I thought my crush was actually so hot, but it turned out that 6 years later, after looking at the grade school pictures, how ugly he was. Jeez. What did I ever see in him?

But even if you really are beautiful, why would it even matter if no one thought you were attractive? No one would ever have a crush on you. No one would ever be able to fall in love with you. So in this case, being beautiful would be pointless.

I’m sorry I haven’t been on

So this will be a quick post on why I have neglected my beloved blog for so long. I have been in China basically for 2 months this summer. I went to Hang Zhou, Shanghai, my father’s hometown: Da Feng, and then my birthplace and mother’s hometown: Nantong. Why did I go for so long? Well, first of all, I was supposed to go with a summer vacation crew, but it was cancelled due to swine flu, so with the airplane tickets already bought, I went to China very early and spent the majority of my time there.

There, I also went to my cousin’s wedding, and I was the bridesmaid, which meant I had to wear a dress and paint my nails and toes. Truthfully, I’m not that girly, but I’ll wear dresses and paint my nails if appropriate, as in for a certain event. On the other hand, I actually like shopping for clothes.

Anyways, school at UT has almost started. School started on the 26th, and so far everything has been pretty much review. They should be. I originally had 13 hours, but I added another humanities class, so it’ll be 16 hours. It’s called “Philosophy of Religion.” And now, off to this post I’ve been thinking about for quite a while.

My mind is swirly right now…

…So I guess I’ll blog all the ideas out of my head. This might seem like a disorganized and random entry, so bear with me because if I don’t get these ideas out of my head, I won’t be able to concentrate on studying for the AP exams.

Ways to win my heart:

1. Ask me how I feel about certain things.
2. Ask me why I act certain ways
3. Try to understand me
4. Be emotional and sensitive, but not to an overflowing-with-tears way. I want someone who I can tell is human.
5. I’m a superificial and sensuous person, but an amazing personality would definitely usurp ugliness. I want someone who only sees me, and I will do the same.
6. I want every aspect. I know for sure, that if I fall, I will fall for my love’s flaws and weaknesses.
7. I want someone independent and ambitious.
8. I want someone I can cuddle.
9. I want someone who enjoys the prospect of sex as much as I do.
10. I want someone who enjoys my sense of humor, who I have fun with.
11. Be observant and smart.
12. Love the arts.
13. Talk to me about philosophical things. Make me think, but don’t make me feel dumb, weak, and powerless.
14. Love me. Sorry duh factor. 
15. And more, except I can’t really think of much now.

Why I can’t focus on studying right now: because I’m thinking about the people who have been giving me looks at school. Originally I wasn’t interested, but now I sort of am, and am starting to get expressed with them also.

What I need to do: AP Lit. practice, spanish, FRI, and buy my cap and gown…-.-”

What I skipped: this survey required for all seniors. Supposedly, if you didn’t do this, you would get detention, but I haven’t gotten detention yet. :b

What I did this morning: Played basketball with myself

And btw, I haven’t read the last book of  the Harry Potter series, and I think Twilight regresses back to the previous views of a patriarchal society and how we can never quite lose that view, and it also shows that teenage boys now try to suppress their sexual desires.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt, don’t hurt me no more :(

Recently, I’ve been watching some dramas, or actually just this one. It’s called Boys Before Flowers, and even though I know the storyline already from watching the taiwanese version and anime, I still watched random episodes of it because Lee Min Ho is so gorgeous with the curly hair, which is an absolute understatement of course, but I still think Jerry Yan is more handsome. On the other hand, Lee Min Ho is a much better actor. He can act out the jealous, obsessive, rich, snobby boyfriend better than anyone so far.

Anyways, I just wanted to talk about how unrealistic this drama is. First of all, a rich man falls in love with an extremely poor girl. How is that possible? Why do dramas never show girls choosing poor men over rich men? After watching several clips of the show and getting addicted, I started feeling sad because I don’t have a lover, and if I did, would my economic/ social status seriously hinder my chances? Also, I felt sad because the story depicted in the drama would never occur to me or anyone else in real life. Wouldn’t everyone want to live in a fairytale land like that?

And then I thought about the meaning of love. What is love? Do people love because of appearance, money, personality? For example, say you look for people with a good personality and say that someone who has a good personality comes along and you fall in love with him/ her. Then another person, with every aspect controlled except the personality,  comes along with a better personality. Would you suddenly rethink your love for your current lover and part with this new person?

The more I think about it, the more love seems so superficial and pointless. Perhaps that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. Actually, to tell you the truth, that’s only part of the reason I don’t have a boyfriend. A boy asked me out this year, but I rejected him because I thought he was joking and really just desperate. A few years ago, another boy asked me out, but once again, I rejected him because he had just broken up with one of my good friends at school, and like I mentioned in my previous blog postings, good friends at my school are hard to find. I couldn’t do this to her, and plus, I didn’t particularly like him. Now we’re just friends, but he still asks me out to places as though I agreed to date him. So once in a while, I remind him that we’re only going to Wendy’s for lunch as friends. Of course, he immediately agrees, but I sometimes think he’s lying.

As to his nature, he really knows how to treat girls. Every time we walk into a restaurant or go outside, he’ll open the door for me. If I’m hungry, he’ll offer to drive me somewhere to eat, and when I’m lonely, he’ll offer to talk to me. On the other hand, he’s very cheesy. One time he plucked a flower from my front yard and gave it to me as a love token (bleh. LOL). The other time, he took out his cell phone, which has a pseudomirror in the back and moved it so that my reflection was in there. Then he continued to say how pretty I looked. Also, he doesn’t like to think. I’m the type of girl who likes to contemplate things such as the purpose of life, love, etc., but every time I mention this to him, he gets really irritated. He also gets mad when I beat him at sports. He makes excuses such as how he’s not actually concentrating, and that’s why he lost.

So why don’t I just ask out the boys I like? Well, before my parents strongly discouraged relationships at such a young age, but now I really don’t care whether they discourage it or not, but I don’t feel like asking any boy out because the boys at my school are all jerks. I’m usually a fun- loving, immature girl also, but some boys here are really mean. If you say something wrong, instead of laughing in a friendly manner, they simply call you stupid with a serious facade. The there are the boys who aren’t jerky and that I have fun with, but sadly, I think of them too much as friends rather than anything more, and I seriously wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship.

And then, there are those who stare at you as though they’re interested. They show all possible signs, but they just don’t go up and speak to you. All they do is stare…scary…I know. Sometimes I just want to go up to them and say, “Why are you staring at me? It’s really creepy,” but it’s not because I’m not brave and blunt enough to do it, it’s just that I can’t be sure, and plus, I’d rather do it when not many people are around, and usually there are.

So this is why as of May 2, 2009, I have no lover. But don’t get me wrong. I’ve confessed my love, been obsessed, and have also stared, but I have either gotten rejected or a pity acceptance, which I absolutely hate. I want to be loved without restraint. I want to fall in love to the point where all I can see is you, my fated. One day, you’ll take off your invisibility cloak, and I’ll get to see your body in its purest form as we purify each other. But until that day, I will patiently wait.

Why I’m alone on this fatherless (temporarily) Friday

Currently, I’m listening to Jay Chou’s “I’m not worthy” (or however it’s translated). You’d think that my parents would be home by now, but unfortunately they’re not. First of all, my mother has never lived with me these last 2-3 years of my high school career. Don’t get me wrong, my parents aren’t divorced. They just believe their careers are more important than the family relationship, and so my mom and dad parted so that they both could earn the maximum salary possible.

Since my mom really can’t drive very well and gets lost easily, I live with my dad, but this particular night, I am alone. It’s not the first time I’ve been alone in the house. Ocassionally my dad flies back to my mom’s place and “visits” her, and so I’m left in the house alone, but this time is different. This time, my dad is leaving me for my mom’s place for 2 weeks, returning for a couple of days just to check that I’m fending well alone, and then leaving for another 2 weeks. Although I have been away from my parents for months at a time, I have never been separated from them during schooldays for more than 5 days. Maybe you’d call me a baby for complaining about this event, but it’s not like that. Truthfully, I’m not trying to be a baby. I’m simply worried without my dad around. Then again, maybe you’re thinking, “Hmm…in a few months you’ll have to fend for yourself in college.” True, but at that time, I’ll have a car to drive in because where I live, you are practically worthless without a car. Nothing important, including the public transportation, is a reasonable walk away.

Anyways, like I said, I’m mostly worried. I’m worried that I will miss the bus in the mornings, and since AP exams start soon, I’m worried that my neighbor who was paid to give me rides to school during testing days will cause me to be severely late to the point in which I won’t be able to take them or will at least miss a few exams. I’m also worried about my parents, but mostly about my mom. The reason my dad is taking a prolonged trip there is that she has a brain tumor that has enlarged without notice. Previously, she has constantly mentioned her vision irritating her and how her eyes were bad, but after consulting doctors after doctors, to no avail and with simply the advice that she should rest them more often, she has finally found a competent enough doctor who doesn’t simply have an M.D and wants to greedily snack on my parents’ skinny wallets. She has finally met one who has a brain and actually cares and is cautious about the welfare of patients! Yes, this final doctor advised that my mom have an MRI scan, and lo and behold, the delicate tumor that has been snugly lying within my mother’s brain. What’s even worse is the whole fact that the tumor is not small. If it were small, then surgery through the nose could be done, and it would be no big deal, but it’s big. Not enormous, but pretty big thanks to those previous so- called doctors. (You know many say doctors are supposed to be smart. I guess this just shows how the majority is never right as referenced in my Ibsen quote in a previous entry.) Hopefully, the operation will be successful, so pray, dance, beg, hope, cry, laugh, scream, rant, or whatever else you can do for me.

One other thing before I end this post. As to the symptoms of this brain tumor, other than the worsening vision, the patient has mood swings. This means, my mom has had those also. Whenever she used to come to visit me or I to her, we would begin the visitation very smoothly, but after a few days, she would start getting angry at all the small things I did. I used to attribute it simply to mother/womanhood, but after consulting friends, I realized that my mom truly was being unreasonable in scolding me for my random actions. I never understood why she did this because to me, it was obvious her actions were irrational. I used to hate her severely for this. I used to wonder if she actually did believe I was her daughter. I used to start thinking that I was adopted, or my dad had a second lover once, and my true mother actually was her. But now I understand.